New Viruses

The following is a list of new viruses identified recently...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Linford Christie Virus: It would be a great virus but refuses to run

Civil Servant Virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at service stations across rural America.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy

Consultants Virus: tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £4,000

The Social Worker Virus: Your computer will not perform any tasks until it is convinced you want it to.

The Mechanics Virus: A detect and repair programme. Your internal speaker gives a credible impression of an intake of breath then proceeds to cripple all your good files leaving any problems intact.

The Bill Clinton Virus: Accepts your disks but denies reading them.

The Estate Agent Virus: Your spell checker refuses to accept any words with vowels in them.

The Hillary Clinton Virus: Makes all your files disappear and then one year later they mysteriously reappear in a different directory

The Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your apple.

The Senile Dementia Virus: Everything on the system looks the same but you lose all your memory.

The Marks & Spencer Virus: Known to attack computers holding database records for food items. All records of your stock items disappear for a couple of weeks and then reappear with "New" inserted into the data base description and the cost inflated by 20%.

The Sales Week Virus: Apparently only attacks your domestic credit card records in January and June, although it has been known to appear on the system after a member of the family has been exposed to large SALE notice at any time.. Although the sales receipts indicate that you have saved money the virus apparently changes your financial records to show that you have spent more than usual.

The AutoPuff Virus: This virus has now been spotted in automobile on-board computer and engine management control systems, usually the car of the man next to you in the pub.. The method of transfer to the system is not fully understood but is thought to involve a human in the chain and to have a secondary link to several pints of lager. The symptoms are that his car apparently uses twenty percent less fuel than your identical model, whilst taking 5 seconds less to get from 0 to 60mph and having a top speed which is 20mph more.

O J Simpson Virus: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error)

British Telecom Virus: Every three minutes Bob Hoskins tells you what great service you're getting.

Mercury Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the British Telecom virus.

Oedipus Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

The Greenpeace Virus: It monitors you international communications and checks your environmental variables. If it thinks that you are mishandling your environment, as defined by its own internal rule base, it refuses you access to all your ports.

The Hermes Virus: Only affects real time gaming, using the Microsoft Submarine game and a modem, between a UK armed services player and another non UK player. If the wrong button is pressed you lose your carrier signal.

The Checkout Virus: This one looks around a network to find the longest printer queue and moves your job to the end of it. Most active on big networks with long queues.

The Rio Virus: Mostly found on the Police computers in South America. It scans Wordprocessor files looking for "Orphans" and then eliminates them overnight.

The Ariane Virus: Has been known to be activated by use of the Launch command in File Manager. It doesn't matter which file you pick, after 30 secs it terminates and a large firework display fills the screen whilst at the same time your current account is debited with £100,000,000.

The Stale Sausage Virus: Slows Windows applications down so that your system appears to run like an old banger....

The Tom Cruise Virus: Rumoured to give rapid fire blank messages across the screen; reparation of such character assassination being liable to run in to thousands of pounds....

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200Mb hard disk suddenly shrinks to 80Mb and then slowly expands back to 200Mb

Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it (but it will never work again)

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Airline Luggage Virus: You're in London but your data is in Singapore

Telethon Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Oliver North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder

The Daily Mail Journalist Virus: takes all the factual material on your system and distorts it until it comes across the phrase European Union, at which point it blows up for no reason at all.